You Know How I Roll

We live in a fallen world. Anyone can look around and see that there is something wrong with this place. There are so many important issues that must be addressed and it often seems there aren't enough people to address them all. I would like to take a moment to speak out on an issue that I know is very controversial, one that I’ve seen divide families and destroy relationships many times before. Of course, I talking about which way you put the toilet paper on the dispenser.

I mean, seriously, what the heck is wrong with you people that put the paper over the top instead of off the back? It doesn’t make any sense! The natural movement is to reach under the roll and tear across. It’s like an instinct.

Research has proven that people that put the toilet paper the correct way are 89% more likely to succeed in life. They are also more likely to vote and less likely to get ringworm. *

As many of you know, I used to study and correspond with serial killers. Most, if not all, mentioned at some point or another in their letters that they draped the paper off the front. Do you want to access your toilet paper the same way serial killers do? Do you?

If I am at your house or your business and I see you have incorrectly installed your paper I will reverse your roll even if I don’t actually use the restroom.

I am not kidding when I say that a heated argument broke out in my house last night concerning this matter. Words were yelled in anger, rolls of toilet paper were torn asunder, and dogs were sent scurrying out of the room.

I’m telling you, forget the economy and terrorism, this issue needs to be handled once and for all with nothing less than an amendment to the Constitution.

For those of you that prefer the over the top method, you are in my prayers.


*all statistics are made up, unless you believe them

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